Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
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As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?