The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
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Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
an octopus is just a wet spider
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?