Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
You Might Also Like
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
be careful
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in