Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!