God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.