We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!