[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.