Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.