I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”