Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.