Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
$3 #books
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.