Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?