You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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choose your gary
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Covid like
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team