[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you