Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
that wasn’t the question
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control