At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.