Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Worst perfume name ever.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
peeping toms
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die