Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography