It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.