who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
You learn something every day
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg