It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.