People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope