What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.