Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡