Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do