Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
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My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!