I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
his wife is probably gonna see that
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.