My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
for all #parents out there
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.