No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The pasta is now
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”