friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Tastes like chicken.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.