“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Anime is real
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.