I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.