Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?