Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
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(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.