[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.