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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.