As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.