In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator