I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?