UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Great game to play with friends
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall