Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I just ran a .003048K
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.