I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
When you pick your nose after dusting the house