My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.