Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
thanksgiving in nutshell
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits