Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Not today. 😅
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
The symmetry is uncanny.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me