Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
guys I’m going home
This will never not be funny to me.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”