#have a #great #PancakeDay
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*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
guys I’m going home
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.