At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
You Might Also Like
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Favourite diary entry ever
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Very good! 👍😂
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..