You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
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Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out