Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.